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Form UB-1 · Rev. 7/2026 Office of the Registrar

The Department of
Unfinished Business

Public Registry · Certificates · Closure
❦

It’s not giving up. It’s paperwork.

You know why you’re here.

The Department issues Certificates of Honorable Abandonment. Four dollars. Permanent public record, guilt computed to the day. For the screenplay your coworker still asks about. For couch to 5K (couch achieved). For the guitar in the closet — it knows, and now there is a form.

File for Discharge — $4 Browse the Public Registry

Procedure

Four steps, in order. The Department is aware of your history with steps.
  1. State the undertaking and the month it began. Estimates are accepted. Yours especially.
  2. Select a Cause of Abandonment from the approved schedule, or state your own. The clerk will not look up.
  3. Pay the four-dollar fee. Processing is instantaneous, there being nothing to process.
  4. Receive your certificate and your permanent registry number — guilt computed to the day. The window closes. Next.

Petition for Honorable Discharge

Complete all fields. The Department will know if you round down.
Form UB-1 — Petition for Honorable Discharge OMB Approval: Not Sought
Exactly as it will appear on the certificate and in the permanent record. No links, no emails, no identifiable private persons — file the failure and leave people out of it.
2. Begun in good faith in
3. Last touched (optional)
Optional. Guilt accrues from this date. The folder’s “Date modified” knows it to the minute; the Department requires only the month.
Initials acceptable. The Department does not verify. It has never needed to.
6. Registry visibility
7. Class of discharge
Optional. For your records. Never displayed, never sold, never used to ask about Act Two.
Filing assigns your registry number at once. The fee is collected at the till (Stripe). The till does not make change.

Schedule of Fees

Fixed. Non-negotiable. Cheaper than the hobby was.
Standard Discharge
$4
One undertaking, discharged with honor. Certificate, registry number, permanent public entry, and an end to the phrase “still working on it.”
File Form UB-1
Discharge with Full Honors
$7
Everything in Standard, plus the commendation “Abandoned with Distinction” and a gold seal. Here, distinction runs three dollars. The Department has seen what it runs elsewhere.
File Form UB-1
Objection to Abandonment
$5
For the friend who believes. A statement of faith is filed beside the discharge and both documents are stamped CONTESTED in red. No contested matter has ever reopened. There is a drawer for them.
Filed from any certificate page
Miracle Amendment
$3
For discharged undertakings that were — the Department has re-checked the file — finished. The certificate is restamped COMPLETED — CLASSIFICATION: MIRACLE and the registry entry amended. The full list of miracles fits on a receipt.
Filed from your certificate page. Holders only.
Gift Discharge
$5
Permission to quit, purchased for someone who keeps saying “this is the year.” You pay; they name the project; the subject is finally allowed to die.
Not yet available. The form is with another department. It has been there a while.

The Public Registry of Unfinished Business

Recent closures. Someone you know is in here.
Registry No.UndertakingHolderCause of AbandonmentGuilt AccruedStatus
Consulting the filing cabinet…

The complete Registry

Frequently Asked Questions

Ask while the window is open.
Is this certificate legally binding?
No. Neither was your commitment.
What exactly do I get for $4?
A permanent page at your own registry number, guilt computed to the day, and a certificate fit for printing, framing, or a group chat that has heard enough. No physical goods. The kiln was $1,400. This is $4.
What if someone objects to my abandonment?
Any believer may pay $5 to file a formal Objection — “I believe they will finish it” — entered beside your discharge. Both documents are stamped CONTESTED. The Department archives disputes; resolving them is a different window, and it is closed.
What if I finish it after filing?
Completion of a discharged undertaking is classified as a miracle. The fee is $3; the certificate is restamped COMPLETED — CLASSIFICATION: MIRACLE and the registry entry amended. Projects do get finished once the paperwork stops expecting it. The Department bills for the phenomenon and asks nothing further.
Can I abandon someone else’s project? My husband has a boat.
You may discharge only burdens you personally carry, and the boat, madam, is carrying him. For the boat there will be Gift Discharges — you pay, he names the project — currently pending an internal review that is itself unfinished. The Department is aware of the optics.
Is my abandonment public?
By default, yes: a shareable certificate page and a line in the Registry. You may file WITHHELD instead, in which case the entry shows a number and nothing else. The speculation this produces is not the Department’s problem.
Who reads what I submit?
No one, apart from an automated screening for profanity and personal information — it reads everything and has never once laughed. Entries naming identifiable private individuals are rejected. Any entry can be flagged from its certificate page; three flags from three separate households and it is withheld from public view automatically, pending the Registrar. The Registrar answers correspondence by reply to any Stripe receipt.
Do you offer refunds?
Within 7 days: reply to your Stripe receipt and the money comes back in full, no questions asked. The Department has questions. It files them instead.
Is this whole thing a joke?
Legally, yes — the disclaimer is thorough on the point. People keep asking anyway, usually while framing the certificate.